Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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