Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
