I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
