He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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