you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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