I can text with my tongue
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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