yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
