Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
