I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
