she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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