I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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