I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize