what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
