So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
