Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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