Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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