Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
