We're facebook friends in real life
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
