i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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