Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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