If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
