Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Im part way to drunk.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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