Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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