in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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