he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
