I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
