Your face is a jimmy john
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
