i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she pinky promised me she was 18
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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