dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
