I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
