it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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