a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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