after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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