what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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