I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
