The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
