My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is it penis luge time yet?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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