I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
did i walk over a car last night?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
as a side note pls kill me
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