Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
