You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
