Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
