There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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