Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
