Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
