im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Welp...herpes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
