I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
