he wants to bone in the snuggie
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
