Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
