i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
