I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
