I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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