i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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