the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
