I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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