OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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