My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
